dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
stop
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
NASA has no chill
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.