This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?