Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
A choir of Spring onions
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice