Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—