No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
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Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Writing, She Murdered.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
This squirrel eats better than I do
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.