Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I’m calling the cops.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”