if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
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I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I am all good here, 😂😉
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.