Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
23. the denim jacket
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”