“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
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My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
So sick of all these stupid rules
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business