Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Alexa: *deep breath*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
A bold strategy
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.