I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
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[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*