Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
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obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse