The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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ACED my prostate exam!
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Schrödinger’s cookie
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.