Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.