I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked