My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My daily affirmation
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you