teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
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The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Not today, today.
Not today.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.