Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
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every. time.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I found your tweet-up…
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point