[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My safe word is Worcestershire
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.