If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.