mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
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[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”