I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I never needed anything more in my life
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him