You deplete me
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Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes