As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
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Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Classic German Shepherd 😂
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
describing stardew valley
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.