I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
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I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
meanwhile over on facebook
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
hey, alexa
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?