Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Jesus steals the winter solstice
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about