Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
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I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?