He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
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Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.