the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.