I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck