I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Interior design 👌
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.