*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
reminder
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.