‘I know a black person’
– White people
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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Hell yeah 👍
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Just say no
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.