6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The Backseat Boys
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought