*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul