hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
You Might Also Like
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”