Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun