Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants