Sorry I made promises on Friday
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers