*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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me as a parent
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole