It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy