I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
That’s amazing.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate