I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
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Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Just me and my debit card against the world
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted