I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.