Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
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How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Venn
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.