Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
You Might Also Like
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me sliding into hell like
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”