Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?