If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*