At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Well, that should do it
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.