I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
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“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.